Senin, 18 Januari 2010

THE FAN THEY LEFT BEHIND

On Saturday I stupidly made four NFL picks, in print, breaking a long-standing rule never to do that. If you bother to have read that blurb, you will notice I went 0-4. However, to possibly make up for that, this chapter of my probably never-published bio FROM DOO-WOP TO DUOPOLY. It was written in 1995. One must be "old school" to pursue this piece to the end. However if you are a part of that hard core group dedicated to Top 40 Radio on AM or the erstwhile Los Angeles NFL team known as the Rams, I submit the following to wherever stuff goes in the blogosphere.

I am the fan the Rams left behind. Our relationship began in 1965 when I took over as Program Director of KHJ Radio in Los Angeles. Among the job perks: Six Ram season tickets. Harlan Svare was in his third and last year as the team’s head coach them The glamour and victories of the Fifties had vanished. The Rams had plenty tickets available to pass out to the media.

Coming from Hawaii, I thought a bigtime football game was the high school Thanksgiving Day Doubleheader played yearly in the old Honolulu Stadium. How old was the place? By the 50s it was known as the "Termite Palace." But that didn’t hold down attendance. Crowds of over 20,000 jammed into the place, which officially held 17,500. Arch high school rivalries like Punahou vs. Kamehameha, which dates back to the 19th century, would be fought out, often in the autumn mud.

When I first moved to California in 1962, after a few months in San Bernardino, I moved to Fresno for two years. (I had seen enough of the Fresno State Bulldogs in their visits, playing the University of Hawaii. The crowds were much smaller at UH games than for the high school battles.) Roommate Frank Terry and I drove north from the San Joaquin Valley early Sunday mornings, to Kezar Stadium to watch the 49ers play under the seagulls and their droppings.

But it was the Rams that hooked me. On my first trip to Los Angeles in March of ‘62, while scouting for talent for a new radio station, I often hung out at the Gaiety Delicatessen on Vine Street. That was the gathering place for disc jockeys who were “on the beach” – radio jargon for unemployed. One such was Bill Watson, a L.A. native who grew up in the San Fernando Valley when the Rams were the most glamorous team in the ascending sport of professional football. They won the league championship in 1951 with a team packed with future Hall of Fame players.

Watson was the perfect age to go crazy over that. He was a jock – not a radio deejay – he ran track high school. Watson raved on and on about the Los Angeles Rams the way an L. Ron Hubbard disciple proselytizes about Scientology. We went to the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum to see his idols play. I can’t remember the details. The place seemed huge enough to hold the population of the island of Lanai – about 20 times over. The action on and off the field was too fast for me.

But actually I identified with the team in many ways. They were born the same year as me, in 1937. Their record was as bad as the ratings of the L.A. radio station that I joined up with in 1965. In 1966, George Allen arrived to coach the team and vowed to turn things around—fast. (He accomplished that but we actually did it even quicker. KHJ went from the cellar to the top of the L.A. radio ratings in five months. You can look it up.)

The mid-60's were energized. Indeed, "The times they were a-changin'." KHJ presented Bob Dylan at the Hollywood Bowl for his first "electric" performance. The Doors were a local house band, playing the Sunset Strip. A record company gofer and his acne’d angular teenage wife hung out at our radio station, eager to promote their first record—after changing their name from "Caesar and Cleo." The are now known as U.S. Congressman Sony Bono and the glamorous Cher. On KHJ the hits just kept on comin' as "Boss Radio" became a national fad.

Longtime Rams announcer Bob Kelly – he came West with the team from Cleveland — died of a heart attack in 1964. He was replaced on KMPC, the Rams flagship station, by a rookie play-by-play man, Dick Enberg.

At work I met people like Mick Jagger, Jimi Hendrix, the Beatles and the rest while trying to play it Hollywood cool. On Sundays,five other allegedly mature men and I motored to the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum in what was then known as Watts; now it’s usually called South Central. We’d turn over our complimentary tickets (valued at $6.00), pass through Tunnel 7, traipse up the stairs from to Row 72 and climb over people to Seats 124-129.

We'd sit down still gripping one of the world's most revolting hot dogs, a cuppa over-fizzed Coke or putrid coffee — and go berserk for four hours screaming for Merlin, Deacon and the rest of the Dee-Fense to make the big play again. And we'd holler ugly slurs at the offense (led by Roman Gabriel) when they sputtered, which happened much too often for our liking.

L.A.'s pro football fortunes were changing fast. Previously anonymous defensive linemen became the "Fearsome Foursome." In the mid-60's, during the NFL season, traveling to Ram home games was an adventure. Every Sunday always started with the same argument: Where to stop for bagels? Which delicatessen, Canter’s or Ma Gordon's? The bagels were better at Canter’s, but Ma Gordon's was the perverse alternative because the proprietor was a retired, bald professional wrestler.

Next came the debate over which route to take to the Coliseum? I was the designated driver. Why not? I had a new Cadillac Coupe DeVille. Lovin' Spoonful on the radio. KHJ – BOSS Radio. Rams gonna win today? Do You Believe In Magic? The five others smoked unauthorized cigarettes and tried to out-bellow the other navigational suggestions. "Hey, man, you know Santa Barbara's screwed every time they put the 'No Left Turn' sign up on Santa Barbara, man." Puff, puff. "Hey man, take the Harbor Freeway. Stay left, cut in at the last second and come off on Figueroa. Then you got the parking lot on the right, no sweat." Toke, toke.

After the route argument was resolved we'd pull into the parking lot — and become really frustrated. We heard the pre-game show on KMPC. We looked up and saw the rear of the press box where the program was coming from. And we waited for what seemed like forever to be shunted into the spot the Parking Gestapo had chosen for us. It was always a space that meant waiting long after the final gun before we even got the car out of the huge lot and onto the jammed surface streets.

1966. Our second preseason opened with the traditional Los Angeles Times Annual Charity Game. The L.A. Rams vs. the Cleveland Browns. Just as I pulled into the Santa Barbara parking lot one of our gang, Chuck Stein, a sly accountant, demanded that I stop at the entrance. He got out of the car and walked up to the first parking lot attendant he encountered. Mumble, mumble. Handshake. Friendly waves to one another. Chuck returned smiling. For a mere twenty dollars he had permanently ingratiated us with "The Lebanese Underground," our name for the stadium's parking crew. We repeated this opening day ritual every year until the team moved to Anaheim. You know what they say, "If you wanna slide, you gotta grease."

• • •

For the rest of the Rams' Coliseum games we parked in just about the best spot available. It was on the sneaky little alley on the south side of the stadium, next to the old Olympic swimming pool. We'd usually end up behind the limo that brought the Mayor of Los Angeles to the games.

During the fourth quarter, the parking crew let down the chain that kept anyone from pulling into the alley. This gave the Mayor, ourselves and a few others a direct shot right out of the lot. While thousands of other Ram fans were still crammed in the Coliseum aisles and tunnels or searching the lot for their cars, we were on Hoover Street and heading home. Cruisin' through Watts, the Caddy windows wide open, we screamed with what was left of our voices: "L. A. Rams, baby! We're Number One!" We were at one with James Brown. I Feel Good!

Being a radio guy, I was impressed with one player's voice, class and intelligence during post-game interviews. He also remains my all-time favorite Ram player on the field. That's when I discovered how articulate Merlin Olsen was, besides possessing a resonant radio voice and always remaining a gentlemen, no matter what had transpired on the field. After his Hall of Fame career he became as good a broadcaster as he was a defensive tackle.

During their last season in Southern California, two other Ram greats from the 60's served as color analysts for their radio broadcasts on KMPC, which continued airing the games through to the bitter end. Those former players were Deacon Jones and Jack Snow.

One of the first homemade banners ever displayed in the Coliseum read, "Deacon—for Secretary of Defense." Prophetic. In retrospect, it turned out that David Jones' Pro Football Hall of Fame career positively shines, compared with that of the actual Secretary of Defense at that time, Robert McNamara. Revelations in McNamara’s autobiography about his role in the Vietnam War qualify him for the Political Hall of Shame.

Then there was Jack Snow, whose little boy would grow up to be major league baseball standout J. T. Snow. According to Dick Enberg, then the Rams' radio play-by-play announcer, Jack Snow was “never caught from behind." In the 1960's, until Bernie Casey arrived from the 49ers, Snow was the closest thing to a deep threat the Rams had. But "Bullet" Bob Hayes he was not. Each game, Snow, the All-American from Notre Dame, would somehow get open, gather in a bomb thrown up by Roman Gabriel and take off for the goal line—only to be tracked down and tackled by some speedy 49er, or Colt or Packer defensive back. This was glossed over by Enberg. The next week, it was the old, "never caught from behind" routine again. Ah, radio, "the theater of the mind." We guys in Row 72 really dug Enberg, so we just ignored his snow job descriptions of #84’s prowess year after year.

It was during the next-to-last game of 1967, against Green Bay, winners of Super Bowl I, that we learned a major rule: Never, ever, leave a game early. The Packers and Rams were in the same division back then. The Pack’s nefarious head coach, Vince Lombardi, symbolized all that was evil in The Universe. As usual Lombardi’s team was kicking the Rams’ butts. So with just minutes left in the season’s penultimate game and Green Bay beating the Rams who managed only a lackluster offense that day, we headed for the exit.

We nearly reached the car. Following the silence of a time out we suddenly heard an ecstatic roar rise out of the Coliseum. Huddled around our portable radio we heard Enberg scream that Rams linebacker Tony Guillory had blocked a Packer punt near their own goal line. Chaos! Confusion! Incomplete Ram pass. Then, on second down, Enberg described Gabriel’s perfect lob pass to Bernie Casey in the corner of the end zone. Touchdown! Rams win, 27-24. Riding home, we were too pissed off at our disloyalty to fully savor the victory. It was George Allen's greatest moment. And where were we? In the parking lot, listening to it on the radio. Thereafter our crew remainded in our seats, even if the Rams were down by four touchdowns.

Win or lose, we always listened to the post-game shows on KMPC while driving away from the games. From the very start of my Ram addiction in1965, there was always a consistent sound in the background of every Ram locker room interview. We began to call the unknown person who made it, "The Whistler." No matter if it was a chat with Jack Pardee before the game, or an interview with Dick "Scooter" Bass after a great rushing performance, there was always one constant: The same haunting melody, whistled in the background.

We spent years trying to figure out who was doing it. Was it an equipment man, a coach, a player—what? Out best guess was that "The Whistler" was that bulwark of the offensive line, guard Joe Scibelli. He had been with the Rams since 1961. Was it just coincidence that the background whistling came to a stop in 1976, the year after Scibelli the former Golden Domer retired?

The identity of "The Whistler" was the big ongoing mystery and the subject of much debate for years, until it was replaced by a much more ominous and perplexing question: "What was the real story on the death “by drowning” of team owner Carroll Rosenbloom?”

• • •

Superstition and voodoo. There are certain rituals we fans partake in to assure (or at least encourage) victory for the team. Well, I have a confession to make. The Rams would be undefeated right now [five games into the 1995 season, after suffering their first defeat] if it wasn't for something really stupid and masochistic I did this summer.

This story has its origins in 1967. George Allen took over as head coach of the Rams in '66 and in one season turned the team from losers to winners, just like Rich Brooks has been doing with the Rams this year. Allen inherited a seventh place team with a 4-10 record and finished the next year at 8-6. In his second year, he took the team to the old Western Conference championship game before losing to the Super Bowl-bound Green Bay Packers. Still, Allen's sophomore record was 11-1-2 . (Ties counted in those days.)

In 1967 I was still the Program Director of KHJ Radio, a job that came with six Rams season tickets. Mitchell Fisher, the first friend I made when I arrived in LA.,, also worked at the KHJ. He was in charge of promotion, and also one of the original Boys In Row 72 who went to all the Ram home games with me.

The year before, the Rams lost the final game of the season to Vince Lombardi's fucking Green Bay Packers. In '67 it all came down to the final game of the year, against the Colts—the Baltimore Colts. The Rams under Allen had played the Colts fairly even since he took over. But the Colts possessed perhaps the single most deadly offensive weapon in the NFL: Quarterback Johnny Unitas, #19.

Unitas broke our hearts as often as any opponent. And on December 17, 1967, Johnny U. was coming to town for the last regular season game. Fisher and I were young, crazy and totally committed to the Rams by then. We read in the newspapers that the Baltimore team would be staying at a hotel near our radio station, which was located on 5515 Melrose (before that street became famous.) Further, the papers said the Colts had scheduled their Friday practice at the Hollywood High School football field, just a few blocks away from KHJ.

Mitch and I, both of us being "executives," decided we would wander over and heckle the Colts. We got there before the team's busses arrived. Separated by a chain link fence from the bus stop, we positioned ourselves just five feet away from where Unitas and his team mates would depart the vehicle and trot onto the field. The first bus pulled up and the players disembarked. Linemen appeared much bigger than they did on TV. Up close, runners and linebackers looked like Superman. Then a frail, pale guy with a crew cut and high top black shoes stepped off the bus.

We went nuts, bellowing things like: "You'll get yours Sunday, Johnny U!." "Hey, hot shot, the Fearsome Foursome is waiting to eat you alive." These exclamations were also liberally sprinkled with expletives, which we felt safe shouting, since we were separated from the target of our derision by that chain link fence. We felt like spectators at a zoo, jeering the dangerous beasts, hoping to not show the deep-seated secret fear we felt if the fence ever gave in. One of the NFL's earliest monster defensive linemen, Bubba Smith, glowered at us. We were harassing the great Unitas and Bubba snarled, anxious to wring both our necks— simultaneously. The Colts jogged off and Fisher and I went back to work, knowing we had favorably influenced the outcome of the game in favor of the Rams.

And, of course, we did. Final score on Sunday: George Allen's Rams 34, Johnny Unitas' Colts 10. Los Angeles finished in first place. We were on Cloud Nine—for six days—until the Rams went to Lambeau Field and were blown out by the Pack 28-7. But we had won something, first place in the division, and beat the Colts to get there.

• • •

Cut to July 15, 1995. The Rams have left California and I'm looking forward to the new season in a new city with a new coach. Believe me, after seeing most of their games at Anaheim in ‘94, both the team and the crowds couldn't have gotten more apathetic. I was ready to watch them win on satellite rather than sit there in person and watch them self-destruct.

On this July day I drove to Anaheim again, but it was to attend a big Sports Card and Memorabilia Show. (My current obsession is to collect every Ram card ever issued.) These shows feature big name star, there to sign, for a fee, various items: photos, balls, bats, helmets, gloves, etc. At this show, signatures ranged from $14 (Kellen Winslow) to $135 (Magic Johnson.) In between were superstars, from Dick Butkus to Stan Musial.

I spotted a beautiful magazine—Legends Sports Memorabilia, November-December 1994 issue—which featured color paintings of the Rams great "Fearsome Foursome," which Sports Illustrated had just proclaimed one of the two greatest defensive lines of all time. (The Vikings' "Purple People Eaters" were the other.) The magazine that caught my eye showed Merlin Olsen and Deacon Jones in the Rams' late-60s blue-and-white uniforms and Roosevelt Grier and Lamar Lundy in the in the early-60s blue-and-gold jerseys. The magazine was autographed by all the guys. I didn't think twice. Bought it for $90 on the spot.

Later, while sorting through thousands of cards displayed by a dealer from Houston, looking for obscure Rams, I heard an announcement on the P.A. system: "Johnny Unitas will be signing for 15 more minutes." Suddenly I flashed on all those thrilling moments in the Coliseum, the Foursome charging, Unitas standing firm in the pocket, releasing the ball at the last second.

I was under the influence of a higher power. I walked out the lobby and purchased a $30 ticket for a Unitas autograph. Looked like a computerized concert ticket. I checked out the 8x10 photos of the Hall of Fame QB, on sale for five bucks each. The one I bought showed Johnny U. standing alone in a field, with trees scattered in the background. There he stands, ball cocked over his right shoulder, left arm extended, stoic look on his face. Perfect.

I walked back to the autograph area. There was Unitas, alone with one autograph dealer, signing 8x10's with a blue Sharpie pen. Like a production line, one every ten seconds, headed for fans all over the country, completely impersonal, just a scrawled "Johnny Unitas." I strolled up and mumbled something like, "How's it going, Johnny?" Without looking up or stopping his routine, he said, "Great." I started to blabber about how the last time I "talked" to him in was in 1967, when he was getting off the team bus at Hollywood High School. The man at Unitas' side stiffened, like I was some sort of deranged Colt-hater with a 9mm pistol in my pocket.

So I quickly began to ooze things like, "Hey, John, you were the greatest the Rams ever had to play against. Remember those games in the old Coliseum?" Unitas, who has huge, gnarled hands and sports a large gold ring, actually stopped and looked up. His companion relaxed. The great quarterback looked up at me and said, "Yeah, those were good times." I asked him if he would write something personal on my picture. "Sure," he said, "what should I put." My mind froze. All I could remember was this immortal passer in the white helmet with the blue horseshoe on it. I recalled how many times we drove away from the Coliseum, disconsolate because Unitas had whipped the Rams on the last series of the game. How unstoppable he was. Unitas was staring at me. So I blurted out my request.

Now, I have the photo, neatly framed, on the wall right next to the Fearsome Foursome magazine cover. It's a great metaphor. Four monsters trying to claw their way at him, while the legendary QB stands there with impunity, poised to burn the Rams secondary. That's cool. It looks like I could start a sports bar with the other stuff on the walls: Autographed Jerome Bettis picture, 1994 Rams Throwback poster, etc.

It's just the inscription on the Unitas photo that I KNOW cost this year's Rams to lose their one game so far. By three points at that. Forget Marshall Faulk ripping off those long runs. Don't blame Johnny Bailey and Todd Kinchen for dropping key passes. Un-unh. Blame ME, the guy with the picture of the greatest Colt of all-time up there on my wall. And written in bright blue ink, "To R.J. — Loved Beating Those Rams. Johnny Unitas. 7-15-95."

• • •

Since this is being written after the 1995 Ram-Bear game, it's an appropriate time to recall some previous meetings between the teams. But first some background.

The Cleveland Rams fifth game in franchise history was played against the Chicago Bears on October 10, 1937. The week before, the Rams took on the Windy City's other team, the Chicago Cardinals, which as readers of this journal surely know, would become the St. Louis Cardinals in 1960. In the Rams' inaugural year, they lost to the two Chicago teams by a combined score of 26-2.

So you see, the Ram's rivalry with both the Bears goes way back. But, the 1985 Chicago Bears, coached by Mike Ditka, have Super Bowl rings to show for those 58 years. The closest the Rams have come to winning it all, since their 1951 pre-merger NFL championship, was on January 20, 1980 at the Rose Bowl. As time ran out in the third quarter, they led the Pittsburgh Steelers 19-17 in Super Bowl XIV. Sorry, but I have a permanent mental block about the remainder of that game. (However, I do suffer recurring nightmares of John Stallworth running wild with Terry Bradshaw passes.)

Back to 1995's fourth opponent. I remember many things from watching Ram-Bear battles in the L. A. Coliseum from high up in Row 72. Consider the second game of the 1965 season. Ram owner Dan Reeves (not the ex-Cowboy who now coaches the Giants, but the Real Dan Reeves), had stolen away George Allen from the Bears to coach his team. "Papa Bear" George Halas, the Chicago team’s founder—and coach spanning 34 years—was enraged. He complained to the league office and threatened to sue the Rams. George Allen had directed the Bear defense, winning recognition in 1953, the year Chicago won the NFL title with its strong D. After that championship game, the players carried Allen, not Halas, off the field.

As Halas' protégé, it was assumed Allen would take over when the Old Man retired. But George Halas seemed destined to coach until he died—he kept doing it until the age of 72—so Allen left for Los Angeles. Southland fans were still reeling from Harland Svare's previous three seasons as head coach, during which he won 13 games and lost 41. We didn't know it, but George Allen was about to turn a 4-10 team around in one year, going to 8-6 in his first season as head coach of the Rams. (Sound familiar?)

The first game between teacher and pupil was a long-awaited, much-hyped affair. The Rams lost their first game under Allen the week before, on the road against the Detroit Lions. The Rams were shut out 20-0. Didn't score a point. No one gave L. A. a chance in their next game, the home opener against Halas' "Monsters of the Midway." When the Bears hit town for the September 26, 1965 match up of mentor versus disciple, Chicago was still employing George Allen's ferocious defense.

In those days, the Bears wore jerseys with very small numbers. I guess Halas didn't think TV would last. But no one needed a "#51" to spot Dick Butkus. Greatest middle linebacker I ever saw. On offense there was #40, the immortal Gale Sayers. The day everyone had been waiting for arrived at last. Los Angeles held its breath. What revenge would Halas extract on his mutinous former disciple?

The Old Man, who always wore a rumpled dark suit, stalked the sidelines. George Allen, who during games always appeared on the verge of a massive heart attack, implored his new Ram team to shut down the Bears. The Ram defensive line—not yet christened the "Fearsome Foursome"—help hold Chicago to 28 points. Somehow, the Rams scored two more than that. Halas, sulked off the field. In Row 72, we went nuts. Los Angeles finally had a winner.

The next year, during a Bear game in the Coliseum, a spectator did the stupidest thing a fan can do: He jumped onto the field in an attempt to prance 100 yards across it to impress his friends and the huge crowd. (It was the late-60s, who knows what substances he consumed before this act of madness?)

Starting in the West end zone, this kid pranced around the Ram defense, which looked on bemused. The officials stood in place, hands on hips, waiting for the folly to finish. The fool thought he had it made—he merely had to dance past the team in the blue jerseys with the orange trim. As he ran by the Bear huddle, a very big guy with a very small "89" on his jersey leaned out of the Chicago huddle and delivered a forearm smash to the throat of the poor fan, who had been running at full speed. The victim dropped like a Scud missle. Yes, Bear tight end Mike Ditka—who played even tougher than he talks—had knocked the interloper out cold. The game was delayed for what seemed like an hour, as the crowed booed deafeningly each time the Bears lined up to resume play.

Then, there was the most surrealistic series of downs I've ever seen in an NFL game. It happened when the Rams were played the Bears in the Coliseum in 1968. By then, Los Angles was a serious contender in the old Western Division. They would finish the season in second place with a 10-3-1 record. But—it would have been 11-2-1 and possibly first place, but for the last Ram offensive series of the game. Los Angeles was just inside Chicago territory, trailing 17-16, with little time remaining. Quarterback Roman Gabriel, in his blue-and-white #18 jersey, stood back in the pocket and tossed three long passes into the Bear end zone, all tantalizingly close, all incomplete. Then, with seconds left in the game, the offense trotted off the field and the Bears ran out the clock.

Only my friend Bill Kelly spotted it instantly. "Fourth down, fourth down!" he screamed. The Rams radio announcer, Dick Enberg, didn't notice anything odd. The P. A. announcer merely announced, "First down, Chicago." I focused my Bushnell wide-angle Rangemaster binoculars on the Ram bench in front of us. The players and coaches were hanging their heads. I swear we weren't hallucinating. It was "Three and REALLY out." Now, even though L. A. was the capital of the psychedelic world at the time, I swear this TRULY happened. An NFL professional football team's pivotal game of their season, threw three diffused bombs into the Chicago Bear end zone—-and left the field. Bears 17, Rams 16. Remember that the next time you hear about George Allen, stickler for details and coaching “genius.”

Under Coach Dick Vermeil and quarterbacked by Kurt Warner, the 1999 St. Louis Rams defeated the Tennessee Titans in Super Bowl XXXIV.


Sabtu, 16 Januari 2010

Howzit from Slightly Lower Kane'ohe.

As you might have heard me or other loudmouths say, "IF I had a square asshole I could shit bricks." I spent a bit of serious time trying to track down the source of that gem, but only came across others who have used it in the Blogoshpere.

Which has nothing to do with this first post from my new digs, down the road from the old place, the one I was burned out of. It's even more quiet here than up on the hill (and if you happened to be there you know that is very silent).

While recovering from recent events, my mind found refuge thinking about pro football, which is reaching its crescendo In Miami, where instead of here at Aloha Stadium, the Pro Bowl has been moved to Miami, with the Super Bowl also there in the same Florida city the following week.

Hawai’i voted for Obama because he was supposed to take care of such ripoffs of his home state,

So I been thinkin' IF I had bet $1000 against the Rams in Week One, and let it ride, I would have made like $64K up until Week Seven, at which point they win, I lose it all. But ... they never won another game, finishing last place of all 32 NFL teams with a record of 1-15.

But IF I had started over the next week with one grand I would have won $256,0900 by letting it ride through the end of the Rams horrific season.

Alas, all my bets are in my head but one, which I won. Mitch Fisher lost ten dollars to me once, which he paid to the Rabbi's General Fund, Temple Emanu-el, Nu'uanu, O'ahu, Hawai'i.

But here are my virtual bets going into tomorrow, which always might be the greatest pro football weekend of the year.

I have no idea what the spreads are and have paid little attention to who is favored since I am still in post-traumatic stress over the past months. Not to mention the fugazee Rams, who are going backwards. Straight up:

Cardinals 37, Saints 30

Baltimore 27, Indy 24

Dallas 35, Vikings 16

Chargers 34, Jets 21

Hmmm. Only one home team, San Diego. But what the heck.

Always the best thing for us islanders is that NFL games this time of year start FIVE HOURS EARLIER than East Coast kickoffs. First game at eight o'clock, no waiting, mmmm, delicious.

Kickoff of what I hope to be The Kurt Warner Show is in about 60 minutes. And I am on record. This will look so cool if I come anywhere close. And if I bust, well, one thing about a blog: It can vanish with one key stroke.


Sabtu, 02 Januari 2010

OBAMA & LIMBAUGH ON THE ROCK



A slightly slimmer Big Fat Rush Limbaugh is here. He arrived at the Queen's Medical Center in time to thrill the staff and draw satellite TV trucks to the hospital. I was born there in 1937, my daughter in 1977.


The Queen's Hospital, now called The Queen's Medical Center, was founded in 1859 by Queen Emma and King Kamehameha IV. In his initial speech to the legislature in 1854, the King voiced his desire to create a hospital for the people of Hawaii. At that time, the continued existence of the Hawaiian race was seriously threatened by the influx of disease brought to the islands by foreign visitors.


Queen Emma enthusiastically supported the dream of a hospital, and the royal couple campaigned tirelessly to make it a reality. They personally went door-to-door soliciting the necessary funding. The royal couple exceeded their goal in just over a month, raising $13,530. In turn, the Legislature appropriated $6,000. Through six generations, The Queen's Medical Center has become a major provider of health care to the people of our State and a part of the cultural fabric of Hawaii.


So Limbaugh was rushed -- there, I said it! -- from what was the world class resort hotel here on Oahu -- back in the 1960s and 70s. The once opulent "World Famous Kahala Hilton." Little exists of what made the place Beverly Hills West, complete with dolphin pools, mai tais on the beach and a staff that personified The Aloha Spirit.


Meanwhile, Barack Obama, who is also on the island, is being sucked back to DC by GOP screaming for him to be more of an alarmist. Like how Bush 2 would boot-swagger to the gate of his made-for-TV "ranch" in Crawford, TX. With hay bales and a pickup for background. Flanked by fellow war-mongers Cheney, Condo Lisa, Rumsfeld--everyone but Colin Powell (whenever he could avoid the President's working-on-vacation photo ops.)


For these never spontaneous events, Bush wore Texa

s Dude Ranch jeans and slowly droned about: Some nearby waffle house, Iraq or Iran (whichever he remembered at the moment), yellow cake, hot chili, Noo Orleens, Sadam Hussein, God, MLB, CIA, FBI, WMD, ETC.


Alas, it is January 2, 2010. Time for Obama's annual vacation in his true homeland. And with much, much more security now that he is POTUS, not just Prez-elect, like in 2008. The stay was supposed to last into the middle of next week. I think I read January 9. But the visit even began on delay. Truncated from in front. Because GOP senators jerked off until they had barely enough time to get home for Christmas Eve. So Obama sat in DC until Air Force One headed for Hickam Air Force Base, Oahu, Hawaii, to land in time for some Mele Kalikimaka happening at his Kailua compound, across the canal from Kaneohe Marine Base Hawaii. It is the largest Marine base outside of North America. I can see its beacon flashing through my window, behind the iMac.


So we have Barry Obama back home here. He is relaxing at breakneck speed (compared with mere mortals, especially those with no crack United States Secret Service detail.) I mean this whole island is Obama's hood. Or, as I wrote about it in 2008 for my book, released on Innauguration Day: OBAMALAND: WHO IS BARACK OBAMA?


The President knows just where it's at, the nooks and crannies of the aina (land), like any "local" guy. The book also show his Official Birth Certificate from the State of Hawaii and his birth announcement as posted in The Honolulu Advertiser. Most Obama fans love its 155 full-color pages. Check reviews on Amazon. Price is lower, plus there are images from the book, including exclusive family photos and Obama's 1979 Punahou Oahuan yearbook notation about "choomin'" pakalalo. Or in English: Smoking marijuana.


When Barry's in town the entire island is his to enjoy, going point-to-point with the full escort accorded the Commander In Chief comprising federal, state and city agencies. The Honolulu Police Department practiced the run from Hickam to Kailua a week before He arrived. Coming down Kalaheo to the compound, motorists waited up to four hours for the motorcade to pass. The HPD bikes rolled down the road in some kind of Arrow Formation. Or like well-disciplined Shriners in a parade.


Obama onlinepress coverage is literally by the minute. The White House Press Corps always has one pool reporter covering what little they can see. Amazingly, 99% of this year's itenerary is covered in OBAMALAND, including maps, photos, a Christmas section, His favorite shave ice place, scenic sites visited, etc., all same as last year.


This year's movie was AVATAR in 3-D. (Last year was whatever the Batman movie was, DARK KNIGHT?).) Two days ago He was in the Windward Mall, in a reserved theater, while I shopped across the street at Safeway Kaneohe. Everyone has an "I SAW HIM" or I-was-in-the-nearby-vicinity story. The only new place is where the Obama party dined was Lucy's Grill & Bar, near Kailua Library and MacDonald's.


Can you believe that The Man with the Ultra-Platinum, Recession Proof, VIP Mother of All Credit cards, who needs no valet, was driven to the door of this joint just about four hours ago?


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MinusKailua
1 contribution
Kailua
Nov 25, 2009

We used to go all the time. We don't even bother now. Food has gone down hill. The wait staff can care less. The tiki torches are turned off, tables and chairs are in terrible condition. Don't bother going into the men's bathroom, it's dirty smells and run down. The salads have limp lettuce, shrimps are not cooked and smell... more


By now Rush is back at the Kahala, being treated like a king. But, as most haole (Caucasian) malihini (newcomers) and very not akamai (hip) tourists, Rush has no idea of what is happening in his mega-suite complete with with bidet, valet, filet, fung shui, and CDs by Ke$ha. (Thank you, Real Don Steele for those fabulous Fractious Friday signoffs!)


Limbaugh, of course, has no clue about what happens outside his luxury hotel (or hospital room.). Hey, Rush, did you know that a disgusting amount of Oahu's opala (garbage) is shipped by barge to the Mainland. Mini-mountains of the stuff pile up, are compacted and taken to the Honolulu piers, where the trash towers wait to sail the Pacific, bringing The Refuse of Paradise to San Pedro, or San Francisco, or better yet, the House of Limbaugh.


How cool would this be? Rush doing a floating remote, sitting atop this pile of kukai (shit) slowly bouncing across the Pacific, talking to the gazillions of listeners who take him seriously. Please, however you do it, Bubble Lip: GET YOUR OKOLE (ASS) OFF OUR ISLAND!

Jumat, 01 Januari 2010

OBAMA & LIMBAUGH HERE NEW YEAR'S DAY


I stole the above graphic from Google. Today, January 1, 2010. I hope they sue me. Man, I wish! The bigger the arrest, litigation and/or trial should really get me more listings and hits on Google. For sure.

And, most of all, I'm
down ... this is posted on the First Day of the New Decade.

More to come about the last years' events and, in my own world, dealing with the post-traumatic stress of being burned out of this Anoi Road house and then drowning in the World of Moving!

We'll get into those thing and other subjects, uh, soon.

Howsoever ... this is officially, certified posted on the First Day of the New Decade. Enough already with the last one. It was 20 months after Y2K when the second Day of Infamy happened: 9/11 -- and the subsequent shit -- changed how humans will live hereafter. Not only did the shit hit the fan, the New Media played to the
fans who crave stuff from the sewer's bottom: WMDs. Octomoms, Shoe Bombers, Gay Crooked, Adultering Politicians and so on.

So Hauoli Makahiki Hou (Happy New Year) from Kaneohe, looking out at Kailua (where Barack Obama is spending another night at his oceanside compound) and Rush Limbaugh is "recovering" at Queen's Medical Center, downtown Honolulu. I might stand in front of that place with I sign: RUSH -- I WAS BORN IN THIS HOSPITAL ... PLEASE DON'T DIE HERE!

Some of my thoughts about Limbaugh and the putrid music jocks on Sirius XM Satellite "radio" are in the essay below.

Rabu, 16 Desember 2009

GET SERIOUS (KARMAZIN KARMA?)


I was in my office at KHJ when Colonel Tom Parker called. It was 1968. I first met Colonel and his client, Elvis Presley, in 1957. That was at then-new KHVH, which was located at the top of the tallest building in Hawaii, the Hawaiian Village Hotel. When Presley arrived, Tom Moffatt and I pulled a stunt -- "The First Elvis Impersonator" -- that cracked up Colonel and Elvis. Moffatt and I emceed EP's concerts the next day. And we remained close friends with Colonel for the rest of his life.

So I wasn't surprised when Colonel called me. What did blow my mind was that Elvis was about to do a NBC-TV special, the one now known as "The 1968 Comeback Special." And two talented guys were involved: Steve Binder, hot young director, and Bones Howe, record producer with a string of hits.

That show, inside a drab Burbank studio, was as great as any live Elvis performances I'd seen. I sat with my wife in the second row, but on replays of that show the only crowd shown is the teenage girls who were there, 30 feet from Elvis, watching everything and screaming and freaking out appropriately. It was a Great Hollywood Memory, one I knew would have a lasting impact.

Now, 41 years later, the black leather-clad Elvis has reappeared in what has to be one of the best examples of why Sirius Radio has never caught on: A serious lack of creative imagination while focusing on the technical (satellite radio -- wow!) and ignoring the BASICS of radio, regardless of the means of transmission.

It is bad enough when one's favorite NFL team has won but one game this year. I am a deranged fan of the St. Louis Rams. That's a vestigial remnant of the comp tickets that came with my job at KHJ. In fact, I've never missed watching a Rams game in the decades since I first saw them play in the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. I've seen the team play in Super Bowls, winning one and losing two in frustrating fashion. And, as any hard core NFL fan knows, losing SUCKS.

So the last thing I need during football timeouts is the preposterous Sirius commercial that seems to pop up with a much greater frequency than, say, touchdowns scored by the Rams this season. They are the lowest scoring team in the league this year.

The first time I was aware of the "Change The Way You Listen" Sirius commercial was during a Rams game last month. Well, I only heard it, since I was in the kitchen, reloading up on chips and dip. Cool, I thought. Elvis during time out, nice. But, why not the original version of "All Shook Up"? I must have spun that record hundreds of times when it came out in early 1957, instantly hitting #1 on all the charts. After that I played the record many, many more times on other stations as a jock, and later as Program Director.

The next time the pretentious Sirius spot came on I actually saw it. WTF? How weird that a radio service -- a medium that provides SOUND -- has no audio on the TV spot? Somewhere there must be an Advertising 101 dictum that television spots have some supporting spoken words, or at least a jingle, stating the sponsor's name -- and, of course, the message.

The PR for this spot, released on November 15, 2009, stated: "Sirius XM Radio Inc. has unveiled their latest TV ad, which CEO Mel Karmazin labels as the "most aggressive brand marketing campaign" in the company's history."

Well! As asked in the title of the Les McCann and Roberta Flack hit. "Compared To What"? It is easy, I guess, to present "the most aggressive brand marketing" in a company's history when there has been little notable, effective advertising by that company since inception. In fact, the most I'd ever seen or heard about Sirius was on automobile ads for cars that included a satellite radio.

But, what else to expect from Mel Karmazin? He is one of the many broadcasting "executives" to make a name in the biz as a wheeler-dealer, Money Man, the type who never leave a "creative legacy." (Sure, there were influential giants in pop radio history, from Gordon McLendon's breakthrough showmanship in the 1950s through the wonderful commercial work in later decades done by Stan Freberg. PS: "If you can't get Freberg, hire Chuck Blore." Yeah, my hero, Blore, had more oomph, oompah and out-loud laughs in one of his KFWB promotions than anything to air on "satellite" radio).

Karmazin's claim to programming smarts seems to be his groupie-like admiration for Howard Stern. And the result of that? Stern moved from terrestrial radio to "satellite" and lost much of his audience, those not inclined to PAY to hear something that had been FREE all their lives.

More pompous are the claims made in the half-minute waste of time that is that current Sirius TV spot. Elvis, in leather, opens with the over-produced version of "All Shook Up," which plays for the duration. Then, action shots of Michael Jordan, photos of Richard Pryor and a final picture of, guess who? Howard Stern. These people are there, the commercial claims, because they "changed," respectively, "Music, Sports, Comedy and Radio."

Let's not get into the first three. No serious student of pop music can deny the influence of Presley. Jordan was a great basketball star -- but how much was he influenced by Dr. J, Julius Irving? Understand, I totally respect Michael Jordan and Richard Pryor. But Pryor's comedic approach didn't emerge in a vacuum. There were folks like Red Foxx, Lennie Bruce, George Carlin and so on whose ingredients contributed to the strange, wonderful antics of Pryor.

Which brings us to Howard Stern. What did he change, other than his daily underwear? Many others, from Todd Storz to Don Imus to Rush Limbaugh to Bill Drake really CHANGED radio, moving its evolution onward and upward from where it was before them. I am not suggesting that one judge these people for any other reason than their impact on radio programming, which was profound.

Imagine radio today, without the work and influence of Imus, Limbaugh, Drake and the dozens of other true innovators who left their mark on the profession. Compare that with a landscape without Stern. Take away the pee-pee kaka, tits'n'ass raves to a studio full of nebbish sycophants and what is there? But then again, maybe it is cool because it is heard on "satellite."

To put this One Schtick Pony in the company of Presley, Jordan and Pryor is an insult to whatever intelligence is possessed by the viewer. Karmazin told the press, "With so much media coverage on our merger and past liquidity, it's time for consumers to hear about our content." CONTENT?

I have only heard Sirius when I stumble past its many channels on Direct TV. It is like a supermarket: Endless variety of product, specializing in nothing. Announcers on pre-recorded voice tracks. Other than Stern, not one recognizable personality on the entire lineup. I could go on for paragraphs itemizing the ELEMENTS that make for compelling radio, which are totally absent on this mishmash of musical genres and drab, anonymous deejays.

If you are a radio pro, or a listener who lived and died by a local station, it is hard to make a "serious" case for Sirius being innovative in ANY way. While Karmazin and crew crow about "branding," the fact is that Sirius has little or no image, no vibrant theme, no singular identity. They have a gimmick, satellite transmission, which is so commonplace in today's media, that it means nothing to the public.

It is no more complicated than this: Would you rather watch a mediocre movie in Hi Def than an all-time classic on "regular" TV? That is the fraudulent premise of Sirius and Karmazin: Technology, according to them, seems more important than content. At least that's my observation.

Listen to an aircheck of the great Jean Shepherd, presenting "talk" radio in wondrous ways. Or check out B. Mitchell Reed doing any of the music formats he mastered. Hey, a random hour of The Real Don Steele or Robert W. Morgan on KHJ has more happening than all the stuff spewed out by Sirius. (I know, there's a huge bias on my part, but I am still waiting for a legit contradiction of the Boss Radio comparison).

As for making an impact on public consciousness (since Sirius is otherwise a financial and ratings flop), I always go by what I hear on the STREET. And as of today I have yet to hear one person mention Sirius, ever.

Of course, it is a huge handicap to "brand" a company with a word that sounds exactly like "SERIOUS." That word is the antithesis of what good radio was, and should be: Fun, live, entertaining, human. inviting participation … you know, what we old-timers call THE BASICS. They are present in all forms of show business. But not on Sirius.

And certainly not in the TV spot that proclaims Karmazin's baby will, "Change the way you listen." Last time I checked, people listen with their EARS ... and react ... with their heart.

Kamis, 26 November 2009

THANKS. GIVING.

Monday, November 24, 2009 was, for me, the best day in months.


I was at Farrington High School in the Kalihi section of Honolulu, there to discuss my book OBAMALAND: WHO IS BARACK OBAMA? It was released on Inauguration Day, back in January. The book is the #2 non-fiction best-seller in Hawaii for 2009. A nice way to begin the year.


But, things started sliding in August, when I did something, a definite no-no: Shooting baskets with an 11-year-old boy. That resulted in two broken ribs -- and my being pretty much immobile for three weeks.


The day before Halloween I awoke at 6:30 in the morning to discover that the house next door (eight feet away) was ablaze. So was part of the house that I have been renting since 1997. It was a nightmare. The fire inspectors said that I would have died of smoke inhalation in another four minutes if I remained asleep. The adjacent house was destroyed, leaving a family of four homeless. Way too close for comfort.


And the back end of all that has been a continuous hassle since October 30.


But Monday I crawled through traffic to reach the school. The staff and students were wonderful. The older folks remembered specific things from listening to KPOI-AM … from 50 years ago, 1959. The kids were quiet at the start. By the time I was finished I was getting laughs from usually taciturn teenagers, most of whom are one-fifth my age.


A successful encounter with young people is always a good trip. Best way I know to keep up with their reality, not the Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, etc. digital, distant and disposable means of "communication" used by many "kids these days."


Thanks, Farrington Governors, for giving me a much-needed reality check.


Better than Turkey Day. Mahalo.

Rabu, 12 Agustus 2009

Too Hip for Woodstock


Too Hip for Woodstock
By Ron Jacobs

... who is too lazy to post a slide show
and ain't into flashy FTP upload software
bells and whistles
for anyone to see.

Besides,
this is a friendly interruption of the usual
PREDICTABLE BULLSHIT EMAILS
No ... just a little trip with a cool song
and some pictures of paradise.
The real deal, from da inside,
my bras and seestas.

I dig doing it like this,
mostly for the way~back~folks
who can dig the first blitzed stoned sessions
laid back chilled out fractured sodden tightly cackling
acid soaked lady horning potheads of Laurel Canyon.

1965.
Doing it in the hills on weekends
with some fine shooters
like Allen Daviau
and Henry Diltz
and Tom Rounds
with hot mid-60s SLRSs,

Armpits hung with hundred-frame 35mm rollers
for "friendly" communal showings at
Me & Lenore's pad
hooked to the the mountainside
big hangover lanai lookin' over the San Fernando Valley.

Later ...
None cooler, right at the top.
Greenvalley summers of love.
Music lifting up through and above
the green pine trees of Mullholland.

Samurai slide/stoned/showings
MMA-vicious, shuffling, focused and hustling
(no one would admit it)
just to impress others, mainly the wahine.

Sixties USDA chicks were the
youngest, loosest, goofiest, hippest, hottest
sweeties of the day, you know?
Sucked into Hollywood primo kind head there.

Being on top makes it Kosher
Yeah any chick that powdered my dick
did it because I was the cool
Jewaiian dude from Waikiki, yeah sure.

Barracked in the Melrose
Boss Boiler Room of Rock and Roll
"Where History Was Played and Made"
Off duty, up from the studios

Coupe DeVilling into winding eucalyptus hills.
Authentic hippies we were,
going nuts with ideas flashed
over bongs and bottles of pure discovery.

On shiny silver screen from Sears
erected on an extractable tripod
supporting vision-triggered flickers
brain-strobing cinematic frames.

Cool. No fucking microchip detritus
ADD in da DNA.
Toxic electron inhalations
Lordy, these kids today.

Remember
when things were better,
we, America,
finer?

It was Old School,
in your facelook
myspace is your space
twitter your clitter.

Lookin' at the mighty blue Pacific
past Kamehameha Highway
Kaneohe Bay, Mokapu, The Marines,
and East, beyond the horizon ...
choomin' for the season to kickoff.

Aloha note me and my mac.

Inspiration: These Are The Days by Van Morrison

For Allen Ginsberg & 1959

Renais "Ratte" Faryar & Ron Jacobs
Photo by Henry Diltz
$25,000 OBO

© 2009 Ron Jacobs
Kane'ohe, O'ahu, Hawai'i
Obama Administration, Day 200
"Cool Head, Main Thing"

THE ONLY PERSON AUTHORIZED TO RECORD THIS WITHOUT PERMISSION IS
MICHAEL C. GWYNNE, Mt. Kisco, NY