TOURING HAWAII FOR DUMMIES

On Oahu. 400,00 acres is like a small country. 

Ho'omaluhia (ho-oh-MAh-lo-HEE-ah) Botanical Garden 

 contains 10,000 specimens and a 32-acre lake.

  After seven years I found it minutes away.

I love to show friends the "real" Hawai. I could have been a respected tour driver. There's no Disneyland in the 50th State. The entire place is a fantasy park. Print this out and save it until Regis calls, you know the right answer -- and Win The Dream Vacation to Hawaii! We begin with the one that top all lists, PIT STOPS. Oahu's cleanest public restrooms are at the firehouses. The crews keep everything spotless. At Kaneohe Fire Station #17 the bathroom could be an operating room. And they will take your blood pressure for free during office hours.

• FREE KONA COFFEE - There's always someone at Costco or Sam's Club passing out samples of homegrown Hawaiian coffee in a starbucking assortment of flavors. And random local treats are always showing up.
• SOUL FOOD - Plate lunch at any of the ubiquitous L & L DRIVE- INN.  Yellow/Red sign. Order the chicken katsu. You will thank me, promise. The restaurant chain, which began as lunch wagon in Honolulu's funky Liliha district, is in full franchise mode. On the Mainland they are called HAWAIIAN BARBECUE, spreading out from L.A. County quicker than people are sneaking in.
• DRUGS & STORES - Avoid all Blue/White signs of the ABC STORES. There's at least one on every block on Kalakaua Avenue, the main drag on Waikiki beach. If you need a toothbrush, or whatever, at four in the morning, it could cost five bucks, ore more.  (The "stroll" is on Kuhio between Kaiulani and Seaside Avenues, Hookers and cops are usually otherwise occupied.  HISTORICAL NOTE: My parents lived at the corner of Seaside and Kuhio when I was born. All of Waikiki was patrolled by one HPD car and one motorcycle. "We didn't even have to lock the doors at night," I was reminded for next 40 years.")
• TOURIST TWOFERS - Not all the swarming coupon hustlers on streets in places like Lahaina and Waikiki are hustling junk.  If you see coupons from a restaurant about which you've heard or read good reviews grab some. It might not be "Second One Free," but you'll still receive a delicious discount.
• "REAL" HAWAIIAN MUSIC - The best local music is no longer in Waikiki.  The showrooms are gone.  Some stars like OLOMANA (the Great Jerry Santos) plays one night a week at the Hawaiian Village and some big names perform weekly poolside gigs. There's usually good music along with the booze at the Aloha Tower watering holes. Noted local artists regularly appear, mostly on weekends and holidays, at the big Oahu malls. They have nice stages and production facilities, plus free parking. New CDs are debuted at Borders and other stores.  
• FREE PARKING  - The best spots, particularly in Waikiki, are short on parking and jammed with visitor cartage.  Ride with a friend who has a handicapped pass.  Best spots, all free, all the time
• PUPU - Sample Hawaiian appetizers are served in some tourist gift shops. The farther one drives from Waikiki, like to the North Shore, the more free goodies are served by genuinely happy folks. Less ALOHA signs, the more the true Aloha Spirit emerges.  Beware of hand carved trinkets and tiki carved by natives--of the Philippines.
• LOCAL BREW - The Hawaiian Brewing & Malting Co. opened in the 1890s and soon after came out with Primo Beer, the pau hana favorite.  After closing down several years ago, the company has been reborn and the surfers and singers are smiling.
• BEST "ALOHA WEAR" - Any thrift store away from the Tourist Zone.  The aloha shirts come off the rack all freshly laundered.  The T-shirts are off the wall and usually say "Kawamato Auto Repair, Kalihi, Est. 1966" instead of "Surf's Up!"  But if you are into" Hang Ten!," which can be $29.95 at a resort shop, it's thrifty for five bucks or so. The Salvation Army store in Kailua (Oahu) has sizes up to XXXXL, often contributed by offensive lineman from area high schools.
• ACT YOUR AGE - Most historic places like Bishop Museum, Iolani Palace, Honolulu Academy of Arts, etc. offer senior discounts. Some will be easier to locate if you drive a car with GPS. (The Honolulu bus system is reliable, safe, goes "around" the island and features Puakea Nogelmeier's mellow voice pronounces every street name at each stop as a professor of olelo must. Perfectly.
• DRIVE HE SAID - The greatest views of Honolulu are from atop Mount Tantalus.  It's a ten-minute drive once on the H-1 freeway out of Waikiki. The twisting road offers vistas from Diamond Head to Pearl Harbor. Turn off the car's AC for the sweetest nahahahe aroma and the high altitude rush. Best of all, the bends in the road guarantee no tour buses ruining everything,
• KAPU! - This is Hawaiian for No Trespassing. The funkier the sign, the more it means keep the hell out. If you see the Hawaii flag flying upside down you are looking at the symbol of  assorted Hawaiian activist groups.  The inverted position is the universal maritime symbol for "Under Distress." "Dangerous Undertow--Stay Out of Water" means precisely that.  A dear friend didn't believe that warning during Easter 1979 and drowned in 30-seconds at Sunset Beach.
• SHAVE ICE - The local version of snow cones, but drenched with jungle juicy flavors. Get yours from a vendor where they are served in plastic cups, not leaky paper cones. SLANG NOTE: In Hawaii crystal-methamphetamine is called "ice," both on the street and on TV and newspapers. Bad news, as it is everywhere. 
• SHOW ME THE KALA - There is no such thing as "Hawaiian" currency. You do not require passport to fly to the neighbor islands.
• P.S. - No bridge is being built to Molokai. Or a tunnel to Maui. Pssst, there are weapons of nuclear destruction here, by the way. Never leave a rental car unlocked for a moment, yes this, too, is America, with all the good, bad and everything in between. Welcome to the place that someday will have signs the read: "Obama Slept Here."

Aloha means Hello ... Goodbye and I Love You.

photography by ron jacobs