KEALE

Walter Keale was among the first musicians to perform live in our broadcast studios, as a member of Kaukahi with David Kahiapo. That group won five Hoku Hanohano awards, the local  version of the Grammies. The arrived here with magic, in the their spirit, voices and sound.

Walt (above and right) has the strongest of contemporary Hawaiian music bloodlines: He is the nephew of legendary Moe Keale (below) originally from Niihau and also the uncle of the Kamakawiwo'ole brothers, Skippy and Israel. Born on Oahu, but were the core of the original Mahaha Sons of Niihau. Uncle Moe left us in in 2002, much too early at the age of 62. The Keale have been proving the adage. "Only the good die young." Uncle Moe was sweet and strong, in so many ways. 

As a singer-songwriter both solo and in several groups. He even spent time as a deejay in the 80s at Honolulu's first all-Hawaiian music station, KCCN. Truck was also know a Truck Kealoha on HAWAII Five-0, where he started as an electrician. Before he passed away, Moe opened a Polynesian massage parlor. I last saw him there. Or should I say felt him, as I had come for hands on lomi lomi therapy. One, when I was doing my one year at KCCN I met show when I finished a show. To his howzit I replied that my back was "killing me." So he told me lie down, right there on the lobby floor, which I did. And when the ow was pau, all that was left were those good Keale feelings, now carried and spread by Walt -- and Iz looks on from above.

THE BOYS

I realized that I have not blogged this the way it was intended: To show stupid personal snapshots. They leak onto the Internet, dribble down to Google and haunt people for as long as the world (wide web) exists.

So here's one. Taken at Rocky's house on a routine night in West L.A. pre Y2K, it's a pre-digital snapshot of me and some of da boys. (From left) Michael C. Gywnne, Mitch Fisher, Mel "The Money Man" Lawrence, Tom Rounds and yours truly. Combined, this crew has produce just about everything in all media and progeny of all sizes, shapes, professions and persuasions. This will now be available for future reference, embarrassment and blackmail.

HOT SOUP: News about our own Ed Kanoi and a new show from ukulele virtuoso Herb Ohta, Jr. (I'm gonna micropop some corn, check Sports Center and catch some TiVo.) 

 

CRUISIN' - OK, HERE IT IS!

Now THIS was a project. Unfortunately Hawaii was too small a radio market. These are the Big Boys of Top 40. Mahalo to the original WATERMARK crew, especially Ellen Peliserro (now back on Maui No Ka Oe) and Cap'n Billy Hergonson, last of the single-edge blade men.

For a GUARANTEED TRIP IN TIME ...

click on the CRUISIN' link in the right hand column.

CHUMBY

This is the coolest thing I've seen. It is a Chumby.

It makes my dream come true. Click the link on the right.

If you have the extra bucks, send me one, too! 

WHODAWAHINE

WHODAGUYHAWAII would not be possible without the assistance of many people. ASHLEY APODACA (above) was first to come aboard. She attended a meeting at Windward Community College--seen at the top of the road on the photo of our current home page--in April 2007. Chancellor Angela Meixell, a supporter from the moment she heard of the concept, graciously agreed to host the event; our mahalo to her is forever. Ashley, a journalism major originally from California's San Joaquin Valley, was both enthusiastic and competent. She spent most of the summer assisting in transforming an old house to a cool studio. Much of what she organized is still in effect. Ashely moved to town, where she is currently continuing her studies at UH Manoa. Ms. Apodaca is going to go just as far as she wants and that is a very good thing.

DEBBIE FUKUYAMA and I go back to 1976, when I began my attempt to assemble the World's Largest Collection of Antique Hawaiian Soda Bottles (mission accomplished, 1994). Born, raised, schooled and still a resident of Leeward Oahu, Deb and her first husband, Julian Keone, were part of the RJ family. She was in the kitchen at Diamond Head (with Wally Amos baking cookies and Hari Kojima slicing fish) while the Makaha Sons of Niihau played at my daughter's baby luau in 1978. We've been at umpteen Hawaii Bottle Club Shows, fallen on the floor from Territorial Tavern to the living room at Owena Street when Replinger got Rapping, attended concerts at most every venue on the island, everything, li' dat. Most importantly, Deb is The Official Tita when I need to be shut up and sat down. During the recent Nanakuli expedition we established the first regional WHODAGUY HQ at historic Mustid House. Deb and I are now linked 20th Century style, via iMac, cell phone and synchronous radio dispatch. Most importantly, we are joined at the heart.

Thanksgiving 2006. An old radio buddy from Honolulu's KPOI, "Mel The Money Man" Lawrence, came becuase our friend, the venerable radio star and "Impresario of the Pacific," Tom Moffatt. was presenting the Rolling Stones at Aloha Stadium. Money Man arrived at Moffatt's Nuuanu mansion only to learn that Mick was sick and the concert has been cancelled. Only Moffatt forgot to tell him. So Mel and I went looking for an old radio buddy from L.A.'s KHJ, "The Big Kahuna," Chris Varez. He was living in Kailua. Hanging out there was MELISSA BOWERS (above), who grew up there in Enchanted Lake. But for years she lived right down the road from me, though we'd never met. When she visited the house, then a bachelor disaster, Melissa put the place in order. I could once again see the ocean and my creative vision begin to expand. This irrepressible young woman became chief cook and bottle washer and, more importantly, my muse. In this photo she's wearing a jersey from the 1982 KDEO softfball team, the Chip Kickers.

A native of Enchanted Lakes and my first wahine radio partner is JUDY FORD (left) as she's been known to L.A, radio listeners for over two decades. We met when I returned home in 1976 and reinvented myself as Whodaguy. I was searching for the woman who would be Hawaii's first female morning drive news person on a rock station. Howard Stern and Robin Quivers were probably in diapers then, when Judy became Keala Kai on what quickly became the town's #1 station, KKUA. In 1980 she was my first and only choice to be program director when I bought KDEO Radio. We teamed up until her husband, Mark, received a scholarship in L.A. In Hollywood, Judy became the "bumper" announcer for Casey Kasem on AMERICAN TOP 40 until she was hired by KFWB as a news anchor.

When I first met Judy at Likelike Drive-Inn to discuss her coming to work with me she was just out of Kamehameha School (as in the "Lucky K" hat she's wearing). Now, her son, Brian, graduates this year from Columbia, where he's majored in music. Manhattan is a smaller island than Oahu, but there's been no bigger radio talent to make it big time on American radio than my buddy, Judy, seen here during her last visit home when she drove over from Kailua and we teamed up to do another show, in another century, in a better studio and playing the music she reintroduced me to when I came home to stay, in what seems now, another lifetime.

The 1981 classic, Pidgin To Da Max," defines "tita" as:

(TEE dah) Mokette. A local girl with

a "special quality? -- it's in the mouth.

Authentic tita can, when need be, back up what they say. LISA SALCEDO (left) is totally capable of doing so if need be. My neighbor from mauka, was Hawaii's First Female Professional Football Player. Lisa jumps in to lend a hand when heavy lifting is going on. You know she's a tita because she's the lady who walks in and asks Jerry Santos to signing an autograph and look at her grandma's picture -- while he's playing. After she moved in years ago, Lisa hauled an old postal van out of the Waimanalo weeds. She single-handily refinished the exeterior, rigged a generator on the front bumper, installed a lunch counter window and put signs on it that read "Rainbow Fountains." It is now a fully functional and delicious shave ice wagon. Lisa takes it out when not working. She drives a tour bus and is working on a license to operate 18-wheelers. But this most amazing fact, I think, about our Lisa is that she stands 5' 3" tall and weighs 141 pounds.

Yeah, behind every guy there's been a good strong woman, they say. For this project, my most challenging ever, I've been blessed with wahine power of the highest magnitude. These are some of the ladies in my corner. This blog is a wonderful way to introduce you to our ohana. Without them, by now I'd be spending my time with the other old men playing dominoes under the trees at District Park.

CHERRY'S HOME COOKING

I spent the first night away from here since WDG signed on back on 7/7/07. It's been like training to be a lighthouse keeper.

If you wanna chill from most anywhere, head for Hawaii.  Folks in Honolulu make it to the windward side, to here in Kaneohe, or down below at the water in Waimanalo. To get totally away from electronics and egos, keyboards and kilobytes, iTunes and YouTube and people coming at me in more ways than should have ever been invented, I take that trip leeward to Nanakuli.

No mo' TV, newspapers, malls, traffic and the other survival necessities in New Century Hawaii. They still do it the old Hawaiian way out on the homesteads. After a week that featured our two greatest sessions--Jerry Santos and Ernie Cruz--each as different as opposite ends of the anuenue (rainbow) and both equally brilliant in their special way, I headed for Sistah Debbie's house for the long weekend.

Mellowed out, back up on the hill, all I can say is that I pray someday you experience the bliss that comes with ohana, talk story about the old days, Cherry's home cookin' and more good stuff that I want to kick back and think about some more.  And watch RECOUNT on tape.

HOT SOUP: Coming ... Herb Ohta, Jr. ...  The Makaha Sons ... Cyril Pahinui ... Millicent Cummings' "ALTAR NATIVE" premier, post-Hoku Awards show with John Berger of the Honolulu Star-Bulletin, a big announcement ... and more goodies from this dude with a recharged memory.

Mahalo, Deb & Cherry, for all the love and aloha, saimin and shower and reminding me, one more time: There's no place like home, in Nanakuli.

MEMORIAL DAY, 2008

He maka lehua no one hanau.

One who has the face of a warrior, 

loyal and honored, in his birthplace.

ERNIE CRUZ, 2008

I met Ernie Cruz (lower right) in the early 1980s. It was my only venture into owning a radio station. The penultimate option was to become KDEO Country Radio. The Lonesome Cowboy of Hawaii country music was Ernie Cruz. Sure. we brought in Loretta Lynn, Charlie Pride, Chrystal Gayle and other mainland stars for concerts. But Ernie, who arrived here in 1957 and pulled together those musical cousins, country and Hawaiian. He paid dues that result in the kind of songs that shoot straight to the heart. Ernie lives on Hawaii island. Today was the day he came up to the house to play.

Ernie asked if he could, "Bring a picker, an ukulele player."  That turned out to be Greg Martin, born in Honolulu, who now lives around the bend in Kailua town. He's pictured above, Ernie's wing man. Many uke soloists have come on the scene. Some of their appeal is speed, flash and moving around like rockers. Greg is a band player. I've heard many great uke players. Not many fill the puka and keep it tight like this man. He is a plumber by trade. Listen to how he makes things fit. 

Bill Griffin (left) came here from Santa Barbara many years ago. A guitar player who bought a mandolin from a drunk one day, he got called by Ernie to come by with his bass. Bill showed up with a mandolin. I love mandolins as much as anything, but this thing looked like it was gonna kick some ass. Bill jumped in his van a headed back to Kailua.  Ernie was making a band.

Ernie Cruz deserves no less. In Californian, Bill produced some records for the legendary Fantasy label. He hadn't seen Ernie in years, but no one turns down the chance to jam with a legend. Ernie' the patriarch of a family that includes, John, Guy, Ernie, Jr. and former Miss Hawaii, Desiree. Two sisters are with the hit group Na Leo. Ernie lights up a bit more when playing one of his kids' hits. 

The "kid" Ernie brought with him from the Big Island is Cameron Hart (right). The former Honokaa Dragon linebacker plays and sings hard. He yodels like an All-Pro.  

We paired up this session with Jerry Santos' rainy night visit, covering the spectrum. Listen up. There's something for everyone on this holiday weekend. Here's a little home movie of the band in the making. A half hour later they were backing Ernie Cruz, Sr., USMC, retired.  

We got a bunch of cameras here

A site made to be heard, not seen.

Authentic music played with soul

Not by computer or sound machine.

BILL BIGELOW

One of the first folks I called when pulling together this project in 2007 was Bill Bigelow. (Right) Like me, Bill jumped into radio the same way I did, while still in high school.  He worked at WJTN in Jameston, N.Y.  I was on KIKI, then an AM station on Ward Ave.  Bill did it all, 

eventually teaching radio to people like Pat Sajak and Honolulu TV newsman Joe Moore. The Navy brought Bill to Hawaii, where he fell in love and stayed. The man was a radio and TV broadcaster, an actor (HAWAII FIVE-0, MAGNUM P.I., etc.) Bill and I worked together on his efforts to bring HAWAII CALLS back to the radio in 1993.

It lasted a year, a year that sharpened my appreciation of Hawaiian music. Bill's PR skills and passion for Pearl Harbor and all things Navy inspired his recent efforts to help raise funds to preserve facilities at the U.S.S. Arizona Memorial. Retired as a Lt. Commander and author of  a novel, "Red Sky at Night," which he dropped off here in early 2007. Bill was in on  brainstorming what is now the WHODAGUY HAWAII project and jumped in to head up promotion and marketing. Then illness struck, Bill stepped down and began a battle with cancer that ended Sunday when he died at age 68, A nice man with a booming voice, Bill was here when we went into battle, the kind of man you want by your side.

Which brings us to the the new film written by my fave (and lots of foks David Mamet, about Mixed Marital Art. Mamet's latest film, which he also directed, is REDBELT.  It had already closed at Windward Mall so I had to drive few miles up the road to the Temple Valley Shopping Center multiplex to witness Chitwetel Ejiofor's performance as idealistic and conflicted black belt master Mike Terry. He's a teacher of Jiu-Jitsu who gets entangled in one of Mamet's interwoven webs of scammers, scorched souls and slammin'  samurai. There was only one other person in the theater. We both loved the film. Don't miss this flick if you dig Mamet dialog and appreciate cinematography, this by 2007 Oscar winner, Robert Elswit.

STREAMING NOTE:  On the Jerry Santos session, the bandleader at the 1959 statehood celebration was Bob Crosby. The second mention I incorrectly stated the 50th anniversary of the 50th State.  It will happen on August 21, 2009 ...  And yes, Jerry is correct, the chanter at the opening of Walter Keale's version of "Maikai Mokapu" is indeed Chinky Mahoe.  

HENRY DILTZ #1

Robert W. Morgan

1966 

Unpublished KHJ promotional photo.

I have some of the greatest friends one could wish for. None cooler than Henry Diltz. The best friends are forever young. We all met way back, when tomorrow was never in doubt. Life was a giggle. 

Today, Henry is recognized as one of the top rock photographers of all time. When we romped and rolled, back in our day, he was Tad and I was Ronny, now names only used by our closest friends.  I never stopped calling the man in the sombrero "Bob." 

One of earliest gigs, as Henry morphed from talented but starving photographer, was to shoot photos for KHJ, like Boss 30 covers, etc.

The Boss Jocks met up with Henry and ran around Hollywood doing foolish things while wearing silly costumes for his camera. The KHJ song sheets were free, passed out at record shops. In 2008, the rarest of them, sell for high prices on eBay. But since his days cruisin' Boss Angeles with the boys, Henry's fees and reputuation have risen.  He's photographed virtually everyone who was, or is, anyone. "Yeah, another Jacobs hype," you say?Well, click on the HENRY DILTZ link to the right, check it out, and get back to me.

ROBERT W. MORGAN

I first heard of Willie Nelson in 1957, I think it was. We played a record on KHVH that first made me realize that maybe I wasn't bulletproof. a common idea for 19-year-old kids then, in pre-Bush Insane Iraq times. The song was Jesse Belvin's version of Nelson's "Funny How Time Slips Away." I don't drink, never had been in a saloon, or east of Hilo, but whenever I played the record I turned it up. And I was transformed into a world-weary mournful cowpoke or lonely trucker who heard life's essential truth in Willie Nelson's words.

"Funny" how his songs ring even more true a half-century later, when we and the world have added so much mileage, the frequent flyer soulful kind.

Five years later, in another radio booth, not in a Waikiki penthouse, but in a Fresno warehouse-turned-radio station, I met the man who became the great inspiration (and often frustration) of my professional life. We'd sit at night with fellow radio rookie Frank Terry and dream of being discovered and making it to Hollywood. That is if anyone would risk riding north on the hellish Grapevine, through Buck Owens' country (he owned a Hillbilly station in Bakersfield) and into Fresno, then as bush league as it got.

Morgan's talent and ambition propelled him up the classic radio route to the big leagues, arriving fresh from Monterrey, where he was in the Army and worked at KMBY.  Sunny Jim price demanded I listen to RWM's aircheck and he was instantly hired as a "KMAKer" And just as fast he was off to Sacramento, and then San Francisco and then Los Angeles, hired by RKO consultant Bill Drake to be the lead off batter for the new rock format coming to that slumbering pioneer broadcast legend, KHJ.

I had come directly from Halawa Jail to Melrose Avenue in a two-week span (indeed, another story for another time) and suddenly Morgan and I were in a California Dream come true. Funny how those good times slipped away. We went our separate ways, through places and people, wives and kids, gigs and glory, ups and down, but always a phone call away from instant messaging our in-synch psyches, ready to resume epic, Talmudic arguments just to keep in practice. Long distance Zen warfare, dissing random people and issues, always planning his trip to Hawaii, the one he never took.

I gotta go now I guess I'll see you around
Don't know when though, never know when I'll be back in town
But remember what I tell you in time you're gonna pay
And it's surprising how time slips away

Longer gaps grew between phone calls. On the mainland, people were worried, I could tell. Morgan battled on; his hero was Jimmy Brown of the Cleveland Browns, Hall of Famer in his league. They threw Morgan one last party. Secretly, I was relieved to be an ocean away. I do my crying in private. And then he died.

Both of us got away with boss, macho public veneers. We hadn't been in L.A. but a few months when one night, after the Clay-Liston fight, we went to Martoni's, Hollywood's hot rock biz spot back then. Two jocks from KRLA (also known as "The Target") slipped into our booth to shoot the breeze and welcome us to L.A. radio. Within thirty seconds they were facing the Jacobs-Morgan Raging Bull tag time, having been invited to take it out on the street.

Both Morgan and I have done many things. I'm the one left having to learn this technology. Sure, we were into perfection, preparation, concentration, moderation and the other precepts from the Boss Bible. But our greatest joy -- better than any drugs, sex or rock'n'roll -- was to kick the holy shit out of anyone who tried to beat us at our game.

My first ex-wife, who rode the roller coaster from Honolulu to Hong Kong to the Hoosegow to Hollywood thinks I'm a sentimental moosh. But she don't own a computer to be offended and I must share some other folks' memories of brother Bob. Just click on the ROBERT W. MORGAN link at the right. 

And if you find that Jesse Belvin record, give it a spin.

NOW STREAMING: JERRY SANTOS

This is the first time we have featured one artist, alone, on the WHODAGUY HAWAII.COM STREAM.  He is, and has been, my favorite long singer-songwriter for over three decades: JERRY SANTOS, leader of Olomana.

Why do I consider the very best amongst Hawaii's musical artists? Click on the WHODAGUY HAWAII link to right.  It's the next best thing to being here in Hawaii with us, now.

Remember, be sure, and be there.

KAIKUAHINE

AT OWENA

 

I used to own plumeria,

Entire trees

Brought in the Thirties from Singapore

Framing with fragrance, the front door

Of my mansion at Diamond Head.

What I loved most is what it lacked

No street jungle sounds

No day-go surrounds.

Honolulu Symphony in the bedroom,

What sort of person sleeps amongst

Hawaiian pop bottles?

Virgin canec, mahogany slabs,

Tinted cement, marble Kwan Yin,

Gutters of copper, flashing of tin.

Kaimana Hila, awesome glow,

And ti leaves, red and green

Held spirits high.

Cover by John Whyland

Niniko Publishing

Honolulu

1987

HAWAII HOUSE KEEPER WANTED

Orson Welles might well have been the first broadcaster to call radio THEATER OF THE MIND. Paul Harvey's sign-off is the immortal "Rest of the story." This is why one should never peek in restaurant kitchens. Presented in MSNBC INVESTIGATES hidden camera vision, this is show business as usual. I hear my dear mother, tsk'ing, "You were not brought up to live this way."

49 YEARS AGO TODAY

On May 18, 1959, KHON Radio switched its name to KPOI and turned the on presumptive 49th state to rock and roll.  It caught on before the U. S. Congress did.  Rock on the Rock was here to stay starting 49 years ago today.  

Here's an update on those present at the creation, The Poi Boys.

Taking it from the top, "JUMPIN" GEORGE WEST - Only person I was forced to fire three times.  Chased me wih a gun at KPOI in 1960, then enraged a farmer's daughter's father at KMEN, San Bernardino, CA in 1963. He was at KHJ when I arrived in L. A.  He lasted a few years before blowing it.  As Andy West he redeemed himself many times over as the radio reporter on hand when Robert Kennedy was shot.  West was oldest of the bunch and passed away in the 1980s in Flint, Michigan.

TOM ROUNDS arrived from New York by way of WINS, where he interned for a while after graduating from Amherst, where he ran the campus station.  TR quickly went from news director to the top afternoon drive deejay in town. We have collaborated on many things, most notably American Top 40. TR lives in L. A. in the same house he bought when he arrived in the 60s.  He and wife Barbara can be found there on occasion when not traveling the globe for the family business, Radio Express,

BOB "THE BEARD" LOWRIE was a veteran staff announcer at KHON who survived the mass purge when the wild and crazy kids arrived.  Beard was an old school guy who grooved along with everything that happened.  He did a deejay show, was a sharp news man and he hosted a weekly horror movie for years on Channel Two, which he announced from a coffin.  He has since passed on, leaving many in Hawaii holding fond memories of this original, albeit weird, talent.

BOB PRESCOTT was a buddy of mine since small kid time, hanging out and making what was then considered trouble. After a tour in the Navy, the laconic Prescott found himself sitting in KPOI's studio the day that I created The Fake Ricky Nelson. He played the part of the teen idol when we got into a violent argument and "fist fight" during an interview.  Based on this he was able to work in California, notably on the original crew of the first Underground Hippie FM station, KMPX,  He returned to Hawaii and passed away about ten years ago, having lived a life of never making an enemy,

DONN TYLER was another buddy from when I lived in Aina Haina and Niu subdivision had just been started. Tyler and I had bizarre and bawdy adventures from Haleiwa to Hong Kong, always trying subtly to out-Virgo the other. Many classic Hawaiian albums (Gabby, Genoa Keawe, Don Ho, etc.) were made at Commercial Recorders on Cooke Street, which Tyler owned and operated for years.  Sometime around the turn of this century, he up and moved to New Mexico.  He returns home often and sometimes we negotiate a friendly breakfast at Koa House, down the street.

JEREMIAH GRUNDY was country but he never was cool.  This annoying character stalked me at KHVH, KPOI and still tries to sneak in on the phone and get his Jack Daniels-drenched voice on my show.  Barack Obama should be elected, if only to deport this emotional terrorist to where he can scream at macaws, or something else that sounds like him.

RON JACOBS is typing this. KPOI accountant LIN HON AU edited it so tell him about any goofs,

"UNCLE" TOM MOFFATT is my oldest friend in radio.  He has been there, done that, won the T-Shirt and is known as the "Showman of  The Pacific."  His autobiography is second only to Obama's touching "Dreams of My Fathers."  Moffatt has met and hung with everyone from Wally Amos to Wally Shemerhorn, Screamin' Jay Hawkins to preanin' Little Richard, the Young Rascals to Steve Young, Ralph Yempuku to Duke Kahanamoku to Willie Nelson, li' dat. Moffatt resides with Miz Sweetie Of Niniko, deep within Nuuanu Valley, where he has attempted to grow grapes with Vicodin-enhanced fertilizer.  An Army veteran, Moffatt is a brilliant columnist, top-ranked  backgammon player and does a weekly Oldies show, aided by COOLIDGE NAKAMURA, not shown on the song sheet above.  

Also not pictured is original Poi Boy SAM SANFORD, who was fired before there was enough money to print song sheets.  The chief engineer was FRANK FITCH. Any other person claiming to be a Poi Boy is a fraudulent wannabe who was not working at 1701 Ala Wai on May 18, 1959.  Official Poi Girls were BUSTY RUSTY ROUNDS, JEAN KINI SULLIVAN and ELIZABETH "LIZ" HUDSON.  They were not discriminated against in any way, other than to be forbidden to use the shower.  Official Provisioner: The Beach Market, GEORGE & EUGENE SHIMIZU, proprietors. There may have been a sales staff, but no commercials were sold for a few days, I think.

Dedicated to H. G. "Jock" Fearnhead & "Fin" Hollinger, 

from whom we learned so much and were paid so little.

K-poi Mabel ~ R. I. P.

Sponsored by NO BUGS M'LADY, LIPPY ESPINDA and PORTRAITS HAWAII

TOURING HAWAII FOR DUMMIES

On Oahu. 400,00 acres is like a small country. 

Ho'omaluhia (ho-oh-MAh-lo-HEE-ah) Botanical Garden 

 contains 10,000 specimens and a 32-acre lake.

  After seven years I found it minutes away.

I love to show friends the "real" Hawai. I could have been a respected tour driver. There's no Disneyland in the 50th State. The entire place is a fantasy park. Print this out and save it until Regis calls, you know the right answer -- and Win The Dream Vacation to Hawaii! We begin with the one that top all lists, PIT STOPS. Oahu's cleanest public restrooms are at the firehouses. The crews keep everything spotless. At Kaneohe Fire Station #17 the bathroom could be an operating room. And they will take your blood pressure for free during office hours.

• FREE KONA COFFEE - There's always someone at Costco or Sam's Club passing out samples of homegrown Hawaiian coffee in a starbucking assortment of flavors. And random local treats are always showing up.
• SOUL FOOD - Plate lunch at any of the ubiquitous L & L DRIVE- INN.  Yellow/Red sign. Order the chicken katsu. You will thank me, promise. The restaurant chain, which began as lunch wagon in Honolulu's funky Liliha district, is in full franchise mode. On the Mainland they are called HAWAIIAN BARBECUE, spreading out from L.A. County quicker than people are sneaking in.
• DRUGS & STORES - Avoid all Blue/White signs of the ABC STORES. There's at least one on every block on Kalakaua Avenue, the main drag on Waikiki beach. If you need a toothbrush, or whatever, at four in the morning, it could cost five bucks, ore more.  (The "stroll" is on Kuhio between Kaiulani and Seaside Avenues, Hookers and cops are usually otherwise occupied.  HISTORICAL NOTE: My parents lived at the corner of Seaside and Kuhio when I was born. All of Waikiki was patrolled by one HPD car and one motorcycle. "We didn't even have to lock the doors at night," I was reminded for next 40 years.")
• TOURIST TWOFERS - Not all the swarming coupon hustlers on streets in places like Lahaina and Waikiki are hustling junk.  If you see coupons from a restaurant about which you've heard or read good reviews grab some. It might not be "Second One Free," but you'll still receive a delicious discount.
• "REAL" HAWAIIAN MUSIC - The best local music is no longer in Waikiki.  The showrooms are gone.  Some stars like OLOMANA (the Great Jerry Santos) plays one night a week at the Hawaiian Village and some big names perform weekly poolside gigs. There's usually good music along with the booze at the Aloha Tower watering holes. Noted local artists regularly appear, mostly on weekends and holidays, at the big Oahu malls. They have nice stages and production facilities, plus free parking. New CDs are debuted at Borders and other stores.  
• FREE PARKING  - The best spots, particularly in Waikiki, are short on parking and jammed with visitor cartage.  Ride with a friend who has a handicapped pass.  Best spots, all free, all the time
• PUPU - Sample Hawaiian appetizers are served in some tourist gift shops. The farther one drives from Waikiki, like to the North Shore, the more free goodies are served by genuinely happy folks. Less ALOHA signs, the more the true Aloha Spirit emerges.  Beware of hand carved trinkets and tiki carved by natives--of the Philippines.
• LOCAL BREW - The Hawaiian Brewing & Malting Co. opened in the 1890s and soon after came out with Primo Beer, the pau hana favorite.  After closing down several years ago, the company has been reborn and the surfers and singers are smiling.
• BEST "ALOHA WEAR" - Any thrift store away from the Tourist Zone.  The aloha shirts come off the rack all freshly laundered.  The T-shirts are off the wall and usually say "Kawamato Auto Repair, Kalihi, Est. 1966" instead of "Surf's Up!"  But if you are into" Hang Ten!," which can be $29.95 at a resort shop, it's thrifty for five bucks or so. The Salvation Army store in Kailua (Oahu) has sizes up to XXXXL, often contributed by offensive lineman from area high schools.
• ACT YOUR AGE - Most historic places like Bishop Museum, Iolani Palace, Honolulu Academy of Arts, etc. offer senior discounts. Some will be easier to locate if you drive a car with GPS. (The Honolulu bus system is reliable, safe, goes "around" the island and features Puakea Nogelmeier's mellow voice pronounces every street name at each stop as a professor of olelo must. Perfectly.
• DRIVE HE SAID - The greatest views of Honolulu are from atop Mount Tantalus.  It's a ten-minute drive once on the H-1 freeway out of Waikiki. The twisting road offers vistas from Diamond Head to Pearl Harbor. Turn off the car's AC for the sweetest nahahahe aroma and the high altitude rush. Best of all, the bends in the road guarantee no tour buses ruining everything,
• KAPU! - This is Hawaiian for No Trespassing. The funkier the sign, the more it means keep the hell out. If you see the Hawaii flag flying upside down you are looking at the symbol of  assorted Hawaiian activist groups.  The inverted position is the universal maritime symbol for "Under Distress." "Dangerous Undertow--Stay Out of Water" means precisely that.  A dear friend didn't believe that warning during Easter 1979 and drowned in 30-seconds at Sunset Beach.
• SHAVE ICE - The local version of snow cones, but drenched with jungle juicy flavors. Get yours from a vendor where they are served in plastic cups, not leaky paper cones. SLANG NOTE: In Hawaii crystal-methamphetamine is called "ice," both on the street and on TV and newspapers. Bad news, as it is everywhere. 
• SHOW ME THE KALA - There is no such thing as "Hawaiian" currency. You do not require passport to fly to the neighbor islands.
• P.S. - No bridge is being built to Molokai. Or a tunnel to Maui. Pssst, there are weapons of nuclear destruction here, by the way. Never leave a rental car unlocked for a moment, yes this, too, is America, with all the good, bad and everything in between. Welcome to the place that someday will have signs the read: "Obama Slept Here."

Aloha means Hello ... Goodbye and I Love You.

photography by ron jacobs