RANDY MICHAELS, THE ROACH

After months of non-stop blogging at this spot pitching the re-release of my book KHJ: INSIDE BOSS RADIO--and a Hawaiian major mahalo to those of you both within the biz or loyal listeners with long memories--I figure it’s time to comment on something else.

Because I am an emotional, competitive person who will work endlessly and accept defeat only as the next-stop-before-death-itself—and there are many who will staunchly verify this aspect of my fun personality; and because what I am reprinting what follows below from eight years ago, when many of you might have missed it, or, could have cared less, I am reaching down into the visceral innards of those of us born in beautiful Hawaii, to summon the creepy, sickening, filthy feeling we all share for our common undesirable neighbor : the cockroach. (Pronounced COCK-roach.)

Yes, that disgusting, oozing, hideous creature inhabits our Pacific paradise, but like many other realities of life in these tropical islands, is non-existent in such portrayals of the place , like, uh, HAWAII 5-0. (Although in both old and new versions, Dan-O has booked all manner of villainous creatures that possess many cockroach characteristics).

They are, if troublesome enough, in the fictitious, video version locked up, some, if deserving for life. Alas, the subject of the following 2002 Proclamation, Randy “The Roach” Michaels, possesses countless similarities to the disgusting insect. He resurfaced after many of us thought we'd seen the last of him.

Oops!

"CEO Randy Michaels filed his resignation Friday, October 22, a decision that was cheered by newsroom staffers who said his outlandish behavior and questionable journalism credentials diminished the credibility of the Chicago Tribune and was emblematic of company leadership that proved rudderless. The sexist culture at Tribune came to light earlier this month in a front-page article in the New York Times that described several instances of “frat house” behavior that included sexual behavior conducted after hours in the executive offices, the use of profanity by its top executives in memos and in conversation, and women who were routinely targets of sexual harassment."

A mini-Google reveals these slimy, reoccurring attributes:

"Cockroaches are among the hardiest insects on the planet. Some species are capable of remaining active for a month without food and are able to survive on limited resources like the glue from the back of postage stamps. Some can go without air for 45 minutes. In one experiment, cockroaches were able to recover from being submerged underwater for half an hour."

But little did I realize, back then, that Revolting Randy would indeed rise again, only to a higher position, where he could perform even lower acts.

Lookit, when I was in Los Angeles in the mid-60s, working in a radio station on Melrose Avenue, between Paramount and Columbia studios, I’ll betcha a bagel I possessed more testosterone than randy Randy could conceive of (pardon the pun.) But, me and the guys—The Real Don Steele, Bob Morgan, Charlie Tuna, Frank Terry, Humble Harve, and the other Boss studs—were, if nothing else, professionals who treated female employees with respect.

More feminine pulchritude passed through the lobby of KHJ-AM-FM-TV daily than whatever poor women were ogled, groped, humiliated, hassled and what else they were subject to by the horny Michaels Mob during their pointless stay in the Windy City. But we followed a Hawaiian word: KAPU! Keep Away! (Note: I have nothing to say about the behavior of any of the staff members while they were off duty, away from the premises, on their own time.)

I was pissed at this turd when I wrote what follows, because I am a proud broadcaster, with an FCC ticket dated December 24, 1953. And the way this creep trashed his company and its employees deserved to be humiliated.

But as a father of a daughter and a granddaughter, and one who was proud to put, among others, Judy Ford (KFWB), Linda McGinnis (KGB), Charly Espina (KDEO) and other talented broadcasters on the air before it was “cool,” I just feel that the following must be reissued in its original form. Just in case Google didn’t catch it the first time around. And I hope, just like the randy roaches he resembles, that the following words remain available as long as the Internet survivesand "Randy Michaels, The Roach" pops up.

(This is dedicated to my lifelong friend, Christian Varez, who recently passed on, and who so wonderfully portrayed KHJ’s Big Kahuna.)

Aloha from Hawaii, home of the planet’s most amazing wahine (women.)

The following was written after two phone calls with Mr. Michaels, during which time he was condescending and, if possible, more obnoxious than me when provoked. I have never met this Michaels person. But I do have a canister of Johnson’s No-Roach handy if he ever comes around.

7/22/02

To: Randy Michaels

From: Ron Jacobs

I'm not one to kick a person when he's down, but since you proved to me during our exchange of phone calls in May 2001, you are definitely not a person-and, so on behalf of everyone in radio without the ability or vocabulary to do so, here's a Proclamation just for you, turkey.

PROCLAMATION

By the Big Kahuna

WHEREAS, Candy Ass Randy Michaels parlayed no discernible talent other than his unquenchable hunger to kiss ass and attract attention to his loathsome self to a position of some import in American radio; and,

WHEREAS, Michaels stepped over, bullied, cheated and lied to smarter and more talented people, ones who actually loved and cared about radio, to achieve his egotistical and self-serving goals; and,

WHEREAS, Michaels in doing the above dirty deeds to hype ratings applied no-brainer, quick fix, dip-shit methods to fringe radio stations in markets where the major leagues never play; and,

WHEREAS, Michaels convinced the red-neck, tobacco spittin' used car hustlers who owned them there coffee pot radio stations that he, Michaels, could make them tons of money, which is the only reason these Good Ol' Boys were in the radio biz; and,

WHEREAS, Michaels proceeded to preach that the FCC Act of 1996, which authorized Deregulation of Broadcast Licenses, would lead to a Licensee heaven where the streets were paved with gold; and,

WHEREAS, Michaels revealed from the start of his reign of terror that no one or nothing would stop his Hitler-like march to acquire stations for his corporate masters until they built up Clear Channel into the largest ownership monstrosity in the history of broadcasting; and,

WHEREAS, Michaels, during his term as CEO of Clear Channel showed zero compassion for company employees, stockholders, listeners, believers in the United States Bill of Rights, music lovers, recording artists, vendors, concert goers, public service groups, concert promoters, advocates of low power FM and the countless others negatively affected by his soulless and senseless methods of operation; and,

WHEREAS, Michaels ignored all criticism, suggestions and questions of his actions and behavior while continuing with impunity to plunge the reputation of his company into the media toilet, taking the public's perception of all of radio with it; and,

WHEREAS, Michaels proved once again Lord Acton's 19th Century observation, "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely;" but, fortunately was limited from doing even further damage only by his own stupidity, lack of sophistication, diminished intellectual capacity and general propensity for pea-brained decisions; and,

WHEREAS, Michaels has on the 22nd day of July, 2002, "Agreed to relinquish his role as CEO of Clear Channel Radio and will now head up Clear Channel's New Technologies Division," which is a transparent euphemism for, "Kicked out on his dumpy ass,” and given a bogus title to save face--like anyone is going to believe this bullshit—and,

WHEREAS, On the real new technology, the Internet and email, (which Dandy Randy never understood in his ‘heyday”), word is spreading faster than crabs at the legendary First Deejay Convention, that radio is finally rid of this blight on the biz, schmuck from the muck, putz from the periphery, noxious nincompoop, no-talent nerd, worthless wuss, prancing ponce, big-mouthed bum, under qualified quack, fart-faced fakir, useless udder-sucker, ineffectual imbecile, dork-brained dumbbell, beer-guzzling buffoon, lecherous loser, contemptible cretin, sorry ass simpleton and unambiguous asshole, and,

WHEREAS, Thousands of radio lovers on both sides of the microphone are celebrating the unceremonious dumping of Randy Michaels, and he who will no longer disgrace and ruin the medium we all love, to the sounds of the Silhouette's immortal "Get A Job," we Keepers of The Final Modulation Tube and Guardians of the Tower, raise our fists and middle fingers high to proclaim, "Screw You Randy Michaels, One Time For Each Kilowatt You Distorted!"

NOW, THEREFORE, I Big Kahuna of The Great And Eternal Ether, do hereby proclaim this day of July 26, 2002 as GOOD RIDDANCE RANDY MICHAELS DAY on American Radio and encourage each and all to get involved and participate in broadcasts, announcements, obituaries, and sly ad libs celebrating this event and tormenting the evil son of a bitch, fat bastard.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand and caused the official seal of the Great And Eternal Ether to be affixed on this 23^rd day of July, 2002, which, dear friends, would have been the 65th birthday of my soul brother, collaborator and associate. Robert W. Morgan. In remembrance a REAL radioman, check out the Boss-Ography at www. robertwmorgan.com .